Everyone is under some degree of stress, and that makes it easy for conversations to shift from constructive to combative. Whether it’s a team disagreement or feedback session, conflicts can escalate quickly. Today on a walk with a friend, a discussion moved rapidly into what felt like a disagreement. Upon further reflection, though, we discovered that we agree on the end goal and that our approaches are not even that far apart! Instead of focusing on differences and areas of disagreement, moments like this present an opportunity to foster inclusion by reframing the conversation.
When someone starts an argument, changes their tone to be combative, or even just expresses a different opinion, our instinct is often to defend our position or respond with equal intensity. This can further entrench the conflict and prevent a productive outcome.
As Chris Voss suggests in his work on negotiation, changing your perspective and reframing a situation helps defuse tension. He uses his experience in hostage negotiations—the most intense levels of conflict—to showcase how there is always space for dialogue. Instead of engaging in a combative exchange, reframing allows you to redirect the conversation toward common ground, ensuring that all voices are heard.
Here are five practical steps to transform conflict into inclusive dialogue:
- Pause
Before responding, take a moment to pause. This short break can prevent an emotional reaction and give you time to think clearly. Ask yourself: What is really being said here? What might the other person be feeling or fearing? Doing this with my teen has really helped reduce the number of times one of us has to walk away from a conversation.
Action Tip: Give yourself a mental counter before responding. For example, take 5 breaths while you try to consider where they are coming from.
- Ask clarifying questions
One of the most effective ways to reframe a conversation is by asking open-ended, clarifying questions. A simple question such as “What do you mean?” or “Can you help me understand your perspective?” helps reduce defensiveness and opens the door to a more thoughtful discussion. Avoid the word why! “Why do you say that?” can feel judgmental.
Action Tip: When you hear something that sounds confrontational, respond with a question. “Can you walk me through how you see this issue?”
- Acknowledge emotions
Emotions often run high during conflicts. Acknowledging the emotions without feeding into them can prevent escalation. Say something to validate their experience while creating space for a more balanced discussion. Try not to place blame or make it seem like this is all on them. Don’t say “You sound frustrated.” Do say “This is a difficult topic that brings out some intense emotions; what could help us work together on it?”
Example: Instead of arguing back, say “I can see why this situation is frustrating. Let’s explore how we can address it together.”
- Find a common goal
In most cases, even when people are at odds, they share common goals. Whether it’s delivering a project on time or ensuring team success, highlighting these shared objectives can shift the conversation toward solutions.
Action Tip: Reframe the conversation by saying, “It sounds like we both want the same outcome—how can we work together to achieve it?”
- Be aware of your tone
Lastly, your tone is critical in reframing conversations. Maintain a calm, collaborative tone, even when the other person may be more heated. This helps signal that you’re not there to “win” the argument, but to collaborate toward a solution. Remember that your tone may sound different to them than it does in your head. I record myself occasionally during stressful moments so I can hear how my tone is coming across to others. Try to deepen your voice and slow your pace of speech as this will also work to calm you down.
Example: “I think we both want what’s best for the team. Let’s find a way to move forward that works for everyone.”
When we reframe combative conversations, we create space for inclusion. Instead of reacting defensively, we become curious, seeking to understand different perspectives. As George Kohlrieser suggests, becoming a secure base in conversations builds trust and allows others to feel heard. This approach fosters a culture of collaboration, where diverse viewpoints are actively sought out because they add value to the outcome.
In a world where conflict is inevitable, the ability to reframe conversations from combative to inclusive is a powerful tool. It ensures that disagreements don’t derail progress, but instead become opportunities to build stronger, more inclusive teams.
References:
- Kohlrieser, G. “Hostage at the Table: How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence Others, and Raise Performance.”
- Voss, C. “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It.”
